


I just want to be okay

by DM500 (DapperMuffin)



Series: Reed900 Stuff [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gavin has TWO Cats, Gavin's bad at feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of verbal abuse, Sad Gavin, Trans Gavin Reed, and also relationships, soft nines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 17:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18035660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperMuffin/pseuds/DM500
Summary: Gavin sometimes can't help but remember how alone he is. There's the cats, and he supposes he has Tina too, but he just feels so alone.Or: Gavin's an emotional mess, but it's okay because Nines is there this time.





	I just want to be okay

**Author's Note:**

> I just can't seem to stop writing for these two idiots. I mean, your kudos probably doesn't help (I mean, thanks a lot though!), and I probably should be writing stuff for my multichapter fics, but that's the writer's dilemma, isn't it? To have too many ideas and try to write a bunch of one-shots when you need to write other stuff?
> 
> Second, I'm a sucker for angst, as you can probably tell by now from my writing, and hurt/comfort is the best, so here's some more, and it's Gavin being sad this time instead of Nines. (You know, for all that I claim I want my boys to be happy, I sure like to write/read them in emotional pain, don't I?)
> 
> Also, the title of this is from the song "Antidote" by Faith Marie, which I was listening to at least part of the time while writing this. (Her music's fantastic.)

Gavin sometimes can’t help but remember how alone he is. There’s the cats, and he supposes he has Tina too, but he just feels so _alone._ Some days he gets home after work, closes the door and just collapses. Back to the door, sliding down onto the floor. Keys fall out of his hand, and he can’t stop the flow of tears falling from his eyes.

And it’s not like he doesn’t like his job, sometimes it’s just too much. _Life_ becomes too much and he’d rather stop living. Being alive…

People say that life is beautiful, that it’s wonderful to be alive, that you should make the most of what you have. But Gavin can never feel that. He may act like he never gives a shit, but in reality all of that animosity he directs at other people is all made of things that he feels about himself. He knows that all of these feelings aren’t healthy, but what can he do? There’s nobody to talk to, he can’t bother Tina. She’s got her own life, and she’s happy. He can’t drag her down with him.

He’ll sit there for minutes, hours, he doesn’t know. The time moves in strange ways. And eventually he’d realize it’s past time to feed his cats. So he drags himself to his feet, slowly proceeding to fill the mostly-empty bowls with cat food, and Coffee rubs his legs gratefully, purring enthusiastically, and Diva bypasses him entirely, beelining straight for the food. He gives a weak smile, halfheartedly petting the cat who’s wrapped around his legs, but he can’t really give any effort.

Gavin wonders how he got here, why he’s alone, nobody who’ll understand him, or what he’s going through. Slowly he pulls out his phone, going through his contacts. He doesn’t know any of these people well enough to bother them with his problems; they won’t care, they’ll just look at him in that pitying way he’s become so used to. His family wouldn’t care, they never cared much about him; no, it always Elijah, Elijah _the genius,_ Elijah, _the one who mattered._ Gavin was _the disgrace, the freak, the boy who should’ve been a girl._ None of them ever understood. Elijah had sided with him when it came to deciding between Gavin and their parents, and really they should still be on speaking terms, _should_ be. But Gavin had pushed everyone away, even his brother.

And sometimes he wishes that he wasn’t trans, thinks that maybe if he’d been happy as a girl, he’d still have parents who loved him, even if he knows it isn’t realistic, that he’d probably still have been ignored some in favor of Elijah, who always won all the awards and contests, who got straight As, while Gavin had been mostly Bs and dipping into the Ds near the end of high school from the stress. Gavin had never won any contests. And he knows he shouldn’t resent Elijah–Elijah, who had paid for his medical transition, had called him by affirming pronouns instead of how his parents called him “it”–but he can’t help it sometimes, sometimes, sometimes…

It’d be nice if he was at least on proper speaking terms with more of his colleagues, hell, it’d be nice if he even had a work partner, but his fear of being hurt has only led to more pain now. None of his partners had wanted to stay for long due to his attitude towards them, and he regretted it, he really did. He wished he had friends, wish people would ask how he was. Tina could be considered his friend, but she was so happy-go-lucky, and she wasn’t too terribly aware when he was feeling under the weather, but that might just be because he never tried to tell her.

But one of these times, just one, _so far,_ hopefully, he wasn’t alone the whole time. This time, somebody had stayed.

A noise–a knock?–came from the door, and Gavin started. Hurriedly, he wiped his face with one sleeve, ashamed that somebody would see him when he was like this, having one of his pity parties, but then it hit him–somebody was here, somebody cared enough to visit him. Trembling a little in anticipation, he hastened to the door.

And came face to face with a charming Connor look-alike, someone he knew all too well, and he felt a lump form in his throat.

“...Nines,” he managed to choke out, and all of a sudden he was swept into a hug by the android’s strong arms. Relaxing into the grip after a moment, Gavin felt a heavy, overpowering rush of relief that, no, he _wasn’t_ utterly and totally alone this time. This was one partner who’d stuck around, who’d chosen not to leave, despite the horrid way he’d been treated. No, he hadn’t left; in fact, Nines had matched the way Gavin tried to push him away with a determined attitude to solve their cases, a sarcastic side with which he made frequent comments, and a firm decision to care for Gavin’s wellbeing when Gavin wouldn’t do it himself, which often took the detective aback. It was… nice, to have someone so dead set on making sure he didn’t kill himself from overwork and bad habits he’d accumulated over the years.

Nines could feel Gavin shaking, and he only tightened the embrace. The detective usually had kept up his front around him, and it was… strange, to say the least, to now see Gavin in this state. He’d long suspected that his partner had emotional issues, but had never seen much physical evidence to back it up, but now he knew for sure.

“Why didn’t you say something?” slipped out of his mouth, a little muffled from how he was burying his face in his detective’s hair. (Wait, _his_ detective? He’d deal with that later.) “I- Why are you so set on doing things that aren’t good for you? If you needed someone to be there for you, I… I would’ve come sooner, if you’d just _told me._ ” Gavin stayed silent, apparently having no reply to this, and Nines responded with a sigh, a habit he’d picked up on from the humans at the precinct. “All I ask is that you tell me, when you're having a hard time, or if your day didn't go that well.” Still no response from the human. “Gavin, please, I _care_ about you, and I don't want you to suffer alone.” He'd never actually talked to Gavin in any way other than sarcastically or with the playful ribbing dynamic they'd established with each other, and he wasn't sure how Gavin would take it.

Finally, after a sniff or two, Gavin spoke.

“I'm sorry, I can't… I'm not good at this emotional bullshit, uh, sorry again. It's hard for me.” Pulling back slightly, Gavin avoided looking at Nines’ face as he spoke. His voice shook. “I… didn't have a good family as a kid. They hated me, I know. I never had any sappy talks or whatever with my parents, I don't think they really cared. The only one who gave a shit about me when I was a kid was Eli–my brother,” he amended. “So I've never gotten any better at talking about feelings or whatever people do.” Only after he finished did he look at Nines, straight into his eyes, actually, and Nines took in the intense mix of emotions in Gavin's eyes, fixated on the detective. _He has gorgeous eyes,_ was, for some reason, and he scolded himself with a, _Not now, inner gay._

“That's alright.” The RK900’s voice came out barely louder than a whisper, tone soothing. “Just remember that I'm here to listen. Whatever you'd like to say, just to get it out there, I'll listen.”

A strangled sort of half-laugh escaped Gavin, and he gave Nines a half-smile. “So I, uh, I'm trans. Yeah. Just wanted to get that out.”

“Is that so?” Nines replied with a soft hum, relieved that he’d managed to cheer up Gavin, even a little.

Gavin frowned, but it wasn’t a real frown, it was more playful. “That’s all you have to say? Usually people have more to spout after I tell them, whether that’s calling me awful names or assuring me they don’t mind.”

Nines raised an eyebrow. “And I don’t mind, really. I’ve heard that transgendered individuals are often discriminated against, and, well, I share some of Connor’s memories from before the revolution, so I know how androids were also discriminated and treated badly. I don’t have much of a right to be discussing these things, however, considering that I am neither part of a minority nor was I active before or during the revolution.”

A scoff. “What the hell are you talking about? I brought it up. You’re just spouting bullshit now, RK.” He pauses for a moment, looking slightly up into Nines’ eyes. “Also, I… ah, fuck, I can’t just say it, can I? It’s never that easy, is it?” Nines felt a warm hand on the back of his neck.

“Gavin, what are you–” began Nines, but found himself abruptly cut off by the intoxicating feeling of Gavin’s lips on his. He spent a brief moment stunned, but it didn’t take long for him to mirror the other’s movements, his hands finding their way to Gavin’s waist.

It felt like hours, but it must have been only mere minutes before Gavin pulled away.

“Ah, shit, fuck, sorry,” he muttered, cheeks flushing a bright pink.

“What are you sorry for?” frowned Nines, puzzled as to why he’d possibly be apologizing.

“I kissed you, you probably didn’t want that, plus you had no idea I was going to do that,” Gavin rambled.

“Are you finished?” Gavin gave a quick nod, and Nines went on. “There’s no need for you to apologize for that. I’d say I enjoyed it, actually.” The small blue blush on the android’s face did not go unnoticed by Gavin, but he chose not to mention it just then, being tactful for once.

“R-really?” stuttered Gavin.

“Yes,” answered Nines, tone teasing. “I wouldn’t mind doing it again sometime.”

And he took great pleasure in the way Gavin spluttered, face even redder than before.


End file.
